I wish people would stop saying “It’s July. Well done for wasting half a year.” Did you make someone smile in the past six months? Did you stroke a cat or throw a stick for a dog? Did you learn a new fact or teach someone a new joke? Did you laugh, cry, scream or sing in the past six months? Because if so, congratulations for not wasting your time at all.
the statue in the bottom right is Le génie du mal, carved by guillame geefs to replace a different lucifer (known as either Le génie du mal or L’ange du mal) carved by his younger brother. why did joseph geefs’ lucifer get removed from the cathedral? it was too sexy. the statue was too sexy by far.
st. paul’s cathedral in liége went from one lucifer, whom they called ‘too sublime’ and removed because he was distracting ‘pretty penitent girls,’ to another lucifer, who they’ve left there for 170 years even though he’s so hot that satanists visit the cathedral to meditate in the presence of this Most Sexy Of Lucifers
here’s how i imagine that went down.
liege cathedral: hmm. you know what we need? a nice satan for our church. let’s ask joey geefs
joseph geefs: sculpts this
liege cathedral: no!! too hot!! now we all want to fuck lucifer! we need a different satan. let’s ask… the sexy lucifer sculptor’s BROTHER. yes. willy geefs is older so he definitely doesn’t want to fuck lucifer
guillaume geefs, who DOES want to fuck lucifer, and the only sign of his being older than his brother is that the lucifer he wants to fuck is somewhat older: sculpts this
liege cathedral: shit. well we don’t have any more money for lucifers so i guess we’ll keep this sexy lucifer
mlm, straight girls, and satanists in the vicinity of liege: NICE
i’ve heard a lot of people say “don’t reach out to your friends first and see how many people will remain in your life. those are your true friends” and i get it. it sucks and it’s tiring constantly being the one to message first, to initiate hang outs but don’t take this so literally. some friendships require initiation. i have lost touch with so many people who genuinely cared about me and wanted me in their life because i stopped reaching out. it’s a hard pill to swallow but honestly some people just suck at it and it doesn’t mean they don’t love and value you. i’ve reconnected with some people over the past few months and it’s crazy how genuinely happy they are to see me and how engaged they are in the conversation. i just think sometimes we’re too harsh on each other & too quick to emphasize other peoples flaws and remove them from our lives but then we’ll all be alone and what’s the point of life then!!!!
I think this is one of those tricky questions that should always be answered on a personal, case-by-case basis: If I find that I am always the one to reach out first, and my friend doesn’t reach out to me, (when) should I let go and move on?
This is my advice - for whatever it’s worth - to anyone contemplating this question.
You should consider reaching out anyway if:
- You haven’t been friends for long OR you’ve been close friends up to that point.
- Your friend has ADHD, anxiety, or any other condition that would make it difficult for them to initiate.
- Your friend is in the middle of or has just experienced a major life event such as a new job, a new baby, or anything else that would demand time and attention.
- Your friend has a busy life generally and/or a history of being absentminded but - and this is important - is genuinely engaged when they are present with you (physically or virtually) and makes an effort to show that they do love and value you.
You should consider letting go and moving on if:
- You’ve disconnected and reconnected several times and you’re starting to see a pattern OR you’ve been “friends” for a long time but were never that close.
- You suspect that you’ve moved a long way down your friend’s priority list as new people have been added. (Moving down for partners & children is one thing but moving down for multiple new friends or an entire new social set is a sign to call it quits.)
- You suspect that your friend is humouring you in some way (i.e. doesn’t take you as seriously as they take themselves), or views their friendship as an act of charity (i.e. thinks they have more to give you than you can give them), or feels some obligation to maintain the friendship.
- You feel any of the above about your friend.
- Your friend expects more of you than you can expect of them, i.e. not only do they expect you to reach out first, they expect you to plan get-togethers, suggest & organise activities, and even think up topics of conversation. This could be a sign that they want to move on but feel bad for you, or don’t know how to make themselves clear without hurting your feelings, and so keep playing along. Alternatively, it could indicate that they feel entitled to your time and effort (because yes, it’s tiring to constantly message first and make plans, and some people can’t be bothered).
- Your friend’s personality flaws are incompatible with your own personality flaws, or simply beyond what it’s fair to tolerate. (A third reason for a friend who won’t initiate or plan anything is extreme passivity. If you can accomodate that then good for you, but if you feel yourself losing patience, and they show no sign of changing, then it’s time to bail.)
- You’ve noticed that your friend will only do things on their terms, i.e. you get along when you’re doing what they want but things get awkward when you have your own ideas. Friends like this may refuse to initiate in order to maintain control. They will wait for you to reach out so that you are always the one coming to them, and then they will have no trouble showing how happy they are to see you again. If your friend is controlling like this my advice is to drop them and not look back.
- After a period of radio silence you find that you don’t miss the specific friend in question. Take note: Feeling lonely and thinking of the people who previously kept you company is not the same as missing a specific person.
- They’ve changed, you’ve changed, or you’ve both changed in different directions, and you just don’t have much basis to relate to them anymore. If you find yourself going over old ground more than sharing new experiences, and you can’t find an alternative point of connection, then it’s probably time to move on. You may want to keep in contact with this friend for old time’s sake but you shouldn’t expect more of the friendship than it can give you.
Standing ovation, dude. I’ve been hanging in this post’s notes a lot because this is deeply relevant for me, and this is the best set of actual advice I’ve seen.
The one thing I would maybe challenge is “Moving down the priority list for a new partner/children is one thing, but…”
Disclaimer, I have no personal experience with this, but formerly close friendships suffering when one person enters the married-with-children life is extremely common judging by the posts I see about it, and it does make both parties miserable in the end. Plenty of friends of married people feel hurt by being discarded through objectively no fault of their own, and plenty of married people look back 5-10 years later and realise their old social contacts have withered away into nothing, and are unhappy about that.
This is more advice for the married party than the one stuck reaching out to someone now busy with family life, but I would consider Keep Scheduling Friend Things Even If They’re Rare to be on the newly-married-with-children important tasks list to be nearly on par with like, updating your insurance and child-proofing the apartment.
Of course, the friend left behind should also keep reaching out in that case, even if it’s just to remind the other of their existence. So I don’t actually disagree, just more of a caveat. “One person enters family life and completely drops contact” isn’t a good situation in the mid to long term, either. The friend’s patience in that case should be more extensive but not limitless either.
Plus, since “partner” includes far more casual relationships than marriage… if someone has a string of boyfriends/girlfriends/enbyfriends (look “boyfriend/girlfriend” sounds flippant in a way the gender-neutral “significant other” doesn’t, and I need flippant right now) and whenever they get a new one their friends instantly fade into the background until they’re needed again (often to provide comfort after a break-up)… yeah that’s no good either and you shouldn’t stick around for that.
Thank you kindly! I do not claim any expertise whatsoever but I am glad to be of help.
Regarding your point about partners & children, I agree. It’s important to make the distinction between someone who has less time for their friends when partnered and/or parenting, and someone who makes no time for their friends when partnered and/or parenting.
What I meant by “moving down the priority list” is just that someone else’s need (for the person’s time and attention) takes precedence over your own. It’s reasonable for the needs of committed partners, and especially children, to take precedence over those of friends. But if the partners and/or children bump the friends off the priority list altogether that is unhealthy for everyone involved. Or, to look at it another way, it’s reasonable for a child and partner to occupy Slots 1 and 2 on the Priority List; it is not reasonable for them to occupy Slots 1 through to 12. If your friend made connections with a dozen new people and they all take precedence over you, you should probably cut your losses. Likewise if your friend’s new sweetheart is occupying slots for twelve.
This actually reminded me of one other reason to revaluate a friendship: If your friend has relegated you to the roll of support crew (i.e. someone they can call on for practical and/or emotional support but never or rarely reciprocate, and never spend time just being friends) then it’s time to hit the road. This type of friend may actually be the one to reach out first! But think carefully about whether they are actually reaching out for a shared connection, or just for a free therapist/babysitter/rent-a-crowd member.
this xkcd joke is completely hilarious without context. just the way the guy wordlessly steps back towards it
hey you!
yeah, you who has trouble swallowing pills.
When I was about 23, I finally had someone teach me a trick that worked. Put the pill in your mouth, take a sip of liquid to hold in your mouth. Toss your head back dramatically so the pill and liquid roll to the back of your tongue. While your head is still back like you’re doing a Pepsi commercial, take another drink and swallow.
You’re welcome.
Unless it didn’t work for you in which case, back to crushing them up with two spoons. Sorry about that.
I don’t mean to derail this post, but I always get wary about wholesale recommendations to crush what you can’t swallow because there are some medications that cannot under any circumstance be crushed. I’ve seen the fallout from pills that got crushed that should never be crushed, and it in some of those cases it was life-threatening.
Luckily, when I went to pharmacy school we had a whole class on the topic of swallowing pills! Pharmacists see patients of all ages and abilities, and throughout life a person’s ability to swallow can change drastically, so we discussed the various means of addressing this need in our patients.
The above advice to fling your pills back with a mouthful of water is legit advice. Just don’t choke! Maybe not the best option for kids or accident-prone adults.
For young patients who are just learning the trick of swallowing pills, or adults who never caught on to the knack, there’s a method of starting out small because there can be a lot of anxiety around the activity that can make the experience even worse. Think super low stakes, no pressure. Go to the baking aisle and get the smallest sprinkle you can find, so tiny it will dissolve on the tongue as soon as it’s in your mouth. If you have to break a sprinkle in half or into quarters, so be it. Let the candy sprinkle be as small as you need it to be so that it isn’t scary. Even if the sprinkle dissolves, swallow anyways to get used to the sensation of swallowing on command for this purpose. Then find a bigger kind of sprinkle and repeat process. Find a slightly bigger sprinkle again, repeat process. Do this over a period of days to weeks to simply get used to the sensation to swallowing on command in a situation with absolutely nothing at stake except sprinkles. You can work your way up to those decorative sprinkle balls for cakes - I’ve seen some that are straight up pill-sized. I’ve worked with kids who are just learning the process and adults who have anxiety around the issue of pill swallowing, and using the sprinkle method has had decent success, though it’s not perfect, not everyone builds their way up, and it does take days to weeks to build the confidence/swallowing-on-command reflex.
If the sprinkle method is not for you, alternative formulations could be your thing. There are many medications that have alternative formulations to pills, such as liquid suspensions, chewables, orally dissolving tablets, sublingual/buccal tablets or films, capsules that can be opened, nasal sprays, suppositories, patches, creams/ointments, injectables, etc… I’ve worked with compounding pharmacies that specialize in creating alternative formulations like lozenges and lollipops for kids who were in no way capable of pill-swallowing. It may be worth it to ask if there is an alternative formulation to the medication you are taking if swallowing is an absolute no-go for you.
When I work with certain geriatric populations who can still swallow food but may have lost the coordination to swallow pills, putting the pill in a soft, easily-swallowable food can help them immensely with coordinating the swallowing reflex. Same thing can apply to anyone else whose issue is just trying to coordinate the swallowing reflex around something as small as a pill. Various examples of food that I see used in hospital are puddings, jams, and apple sauce. Other soft foods like mashed potato or spray cheese in a can also work, if savoury options are needed. Just be sure to ask your pharmacist if the medication you are dealing with needs to be taken on an empty stomach or not, because if the medication requires an empty stomach, then this is not the method for you. Luckily, there are more medications in the world that can be taken with food than are are without food, so your chances are good that this method will work.
That all being said, I’ve dealt with hundreds of different kinds of medications, and a lot of them can be crushed if you absolutely need to do so. For everyone’s safety, I would recommend asking a pharmacist if it is safe to crush your medication before doing so.
Some reasons why a pill can’t be crushed can include: coated for time-release reasons or so the pill dissolves in specific segments of your digestive tract. Other pills need to be swallowed whole because the medication itself is super irritating and can burn your throat or you could accidentally aspirate into your lungs. Most pills are the most vile-tasting shit you’ll ever encounter in your life and some are so disgusting that they’re film-coated literally so you don’t throw up from the taste.
With that all in mind, I dearly apologize to OP for the pill-swallowing ramble. This is probably not what you imagined when you shared your post. I am proud of you for finding the right trick that addresses your pill swallowing need; I hope that perhaps someone else might find your trick helpful, or may find something helpful in my advice.
Here's a comic about surgery & gender.
xoxo kag
edit: yes i spelled superstitious wrong. oops.
Ok a couple ppl have asked, so I'm adding this info. The music video I reference in this comic is the one for Giovanni Wannabe by Pinguini Tattici Nucleari. :)
….genuinely tearing up right now 🥹 This comic could not have come across my dash at a more perfect time. My top surgery is on July 7th. You put all of it into words so much more perfectly than I ever could. This is literally everything that I feel and have been feeling ever since I was eleven.
Thank you ❤️
were--ralph
